How not to write.

I spend a lot of time writing and editing. An inordinate amount, really. As of late, I've been editing submissions for a small publication here in town, both fiction and non-fiction. I also have to say here that I am utterly stunned at people whose life goal is to finish their Master's and pursue a PhD, yet cannot construct a sentence. I mean, it's bad. Astonishingly bad. I know a guy –nice guy– who is on that particular path, and wears the same, sweaty, Grateful Dead t-shirt every week and is about as articulate as an uncooked chicken wing. That is to say, not very. Yet PhD is on his list of attainable goals. Huh? I once seriously considered a doctorate, but decided against it. I think most people should, in the interest of societal decency. But I digress.....I am always learning –and not the perfect writer, by any stretch– but allow me to recommend some things to writers submitting for publication:

• One exclamation point is enough. Actually, don't use them at all. Really. "I couldn't believe it!!!!!!!!! I got a pony for Christmas!!!!!!!" Is never a good idea. In fact, I try to avoid exclamation points at all costs, even in dialogue. Your writing should create a tone and voice without needing that much help.
• Don't give me a prologue, timeline, or excessive detail. Does it really matter that it was Thursday, May 24, 1971? Probably not. Or perhaps you could work this into the story via scene setting? Please? Also, it probably doesn't matter that the narrator makes six dollars an hour and spent three dollars on breakfast and has $936 in savings. Listing these things is especially bad. I. Don't. Care.
  
• Show me, don't tell me. I'm so sorry to hear that Johnny was devastated. Now what else are you going to say for 4,000 words? Show me devastation in facial expressions, dialogue, physical movements, internal dialogue. Anything but one solitary sentence.
• Don't tell a story from the point of view of an animal.
  
• Don't write your entire story in italics. It gives me head-hurt.
• Don't use the same distinctive adjective twice in one paragraph. It probably wouldn't hurt to put an entire page between them, in fact.
• Cliches are ok, as long as you put a new spin on them with dynamic characters...but then they wouldn't be cliches, would they? I know the little girl who's daddy ignored her will grow up to be an alcohol-addicted-attention-whore. I get it.
  
• Never put words in all caps. I know Elizabeth Gilbert did it in Eat. Pray. Love. and she's laughing all the way to the bank, true, but it still annoyed the shit out of me when she did it. Please see bullet #1 re: exclamation points. PLAIN OBNOXIOUS.
• Run-on sentences and fragments are excellent. But only if you know what you're doing. Proceed with caution.
• Listen up, literary journalists: I adore you. I am one of you. We get to be more subjective than news journalists. But please, please avoid going into an overly-emotional diatribe. For god's sake keep your writing clean, tight, and focused. Thank you.
• Most importantly: remember, all rules are meant to be broken.