The State Fair Rule

I just spent 72-hours at the Writers' League of Texas Agents Conference here in Austin. My first one and I left motivated, educated, and perhaps a bit stunned at the not-dying-anytime-soon popularity of all things Vampire....

I also found that, like children, writer alone is crazy. Writer(s) in large groups are insufferable. All jokes aside, I learned and learned and learned all weekend. I made a couple wonderful connections and had a promising agent meeting (will not reveal details for superstitious fear of jinxing my good fortune). Here's what people in Literary Land taught me:

• Don't try to hand an agent your self-published book in the continental breakfast line. Painful (yet polite) public rejection will ensue. When said agent asks you to send it to his office in NYC, do not persist. This will only lead to strangers yelling, "he doesn't want to pack it on the airplane!" while giving you the look The Benevolent Agent is probably suppressing. This is painful for all to witness.
  
• Be careful making friends with the registration desk ladies. They will bring over the media guy with the video camera and peer pressure you into filming a sound-bite for the website. You will not be given prompts or talking points, making you appear extra ridiculous on camera. The Ladies will say this is, "what you get for being gregarious and normal" in a group of people who, apparently, are not.
  
• Begin branding. Now. Gone are the days of the reclusive, brilliant writer pounding away on a typewriter, cigarette dangling from mouth, in the woods, Paris, or New Jersey. In fact, those days probably never really existed. Either way, it's all about creating a platform and marketing yourself to within an inch of your life.
  
• When the Gods of Making Books Happen smile upon you and you are granted a 10-minute session with a literary agent, for pete's sake, dress the part. Yes, we writers are creative artists, probably a little bit tortured, but publishing is a business. When you get the chance to pitch face-to-face with an agent, do not wear anything that you would wear to the State Fair. No exceptions. Your outfit shouldn't make anyone inexplicably crave funnel cake or want to guess your weight.
• Finally, when The Agent utters those three little words that positively send your heart aflutter –"send me more"– offer a firm handshake, smile, try not to pee your pants, and absolutely do not forget to send a hand-written thank you note.

A hot disaster.

Today, the Littler One and I went on an "adwentcha" to the Zoo. We met up with the Older One and her summer day camp group. Yes, these summer months will see me only caring for one child that is not my own, rather than two. Accordingly, my happiness level has recently and notably increased two-fold...

That is until I found myself amongst 14 children under the age of six, all wearing neon yellow t-shirts. Other than the three teachers, I was one of two "parents" that chose to come. Now I see why: child alone is crazy, child(ren) in large groups are insufferable. However, they had their moments of cuteness (I think there was one) and, perhaps most surprisingly, their moments of astute wisdom. Here is what humans who will not legally drink until 2027, taught me this morning:

• When the big peacock poops on the deck of the Reptile & Amphibian house, it's called a Poop Deck. No relation to naval architecture and superstructures of ships.
• If you're very hot and sweaty, you should "take a little dip in ice cold water."
  
• If you're the kid who shouts at everyone for mispronouncing "jaguar," you're destined to be an endlessly irritating grown-up. Fact.
• If you're the kid who calls the small boy with a gap in his teeth "Mister Annoying Pants," you're destined to be an enormous asshole. You will also get lots and lots of girls.
  
• Roosters will eat American cheese. So will peacocks.
  
• When a lemur raises his tail, backs his butt up to you, and makes a (misleadingly) cute snorting noise, walk away. Better yet, run.
• At the Axis Deer, it's okay to pick up the light brown pellets from the ground and feed them to the deer. Don't touch the dark brown pellets.
• Pushing friends is never okay. We do not push!
• And, if you can't keep your hands on your own body, you have to move away. *can we make this a sign to post in bars?*
• Tigers in enclosures are not scary. But in a hypothetical situation, a tiger right next to you is very scary.
• Also, Murphy has sunglasses, Chap-Stic, and sunblock in her monkey purse. Just so you know.

Murphy also told me that she was sweaty, thirsty, and "a hot disaster." And in this 100-degree heat, sister, I couldn't agree more.