How not to phone interview.

Goodness me, you're on a flip-phone! That's even more appalling than your terrible interview answers!

The month is closing, which means my deadlines are looming. Usually, I walk around the corner and set-up shop at Flightpath Coffee (they make a mean Americano) in the mornings. But today, I had a phone interview and because I a) try to be professional and b) refuse to be that person talking loudly into a cell phone while in a public space, I'm working from home.

To accomplish said phone interview, I had to barricade myself into the office. The door doesn't properly close and it took all of 3 seconds for a couple of noses to appear, wedging themselves in the doorway and breathing loudly. My dogs will stop at nothing to be in a room with people. Their emotional dependency is truly astounding.

Mom? MOM?! I know you're in there! MOM! Wait..green carpet. Really??

At any rate, after I piled up a bin of Christmas ornaments and a couple boxes of spare kitchen tiles (where did these come from?) I settled in. While I prefer in-person interviews (conversation flows more naturally and you get all the great nuances in tone and body language) they're not always time-efficient and they don't work when your subject is 200+ miles away. Even so, phone interviews don't have to be all that bad....

Unless you do any of these things:

• Pick your nose: Okay, okay, I'm not sure anyone has actually done it but I think it's happened before. I can just feel the nose picking through the phone.
  
• Surf The Interwebs, check your email, Twat (Twit? What the hell is it anyway?), check-in on Four Square (again I ask, what the hell is it anyway?) etc. I should not hear clicking from your end of the phone. It is not allowed. Unless you live in a magical typewriter factory where the machines operate themselves, the only typing sound should come from me, and that's only because I'm taking down (word for word) the drivel coming out of your mouth.
• Pace around incessantly. I'm guilty of pacing while on the phone. I get it, really I do. But if you're walking around your house/office/local high school track at such a brisk clip, you become difficult to understand and worse, I become uncomfortable at your heavy breathing.
• If we agree on a 10:00 a.m. interview time and I call you at 10:00 a.m. sharp, at least try to muffle the sound of your sheets as you answer the phone. I know you are still in bed. Oh, and I also know that "can you call me back in ten minutes?" Is really code for, "sorry, although your magazine is profiling me, I didn't feel it necessary to set my alarm clock for 9:55. Why do that when I have a writer to call and wake me?! hah! But now that I am awake, I've really gotta pee and have a quick glass of water to hide my gross-morning-voice, k?"
• When I do call you back ten minutes later, don't be outside or in the car with your windows rolled down. I shouldn't have to point out that you sound like you're in a wind tunnel.
• Finally, don't be wildly unprepared. Please? I always give a generous 48-hour+ notice and the specific topic of the feature/interview. Perhaps I should start giving detailed lists of every single softball question that's coming your way. Honestly, when I tell you the interview will be about how you spent your summer raising champion golden unicorns, I shouldn't have to sit through you 'umming' and 'ahhhing' when I ask you to tell me about a typical day raising champion golden unicorns. Just sayin. Yes, I know that while I know how to talk in copy/sound bites and enjoy public speaking, not everyone does...still, try to help a sister out, will ya? Because what should be a breezy 250-word article is now like pulling teeth for me.

Why, yes! I did spend my summer raising champion golden unicorns! Let me tell you all about it...

Please take these 6 lessons and learn from them... Because every time a phone interview goes well, a journalist gets it's wings.