Blush and Bashful.

Dear Benjamin Moore Paints:

This is what I want listed on the back of your paint swatches: "SIMPLE COLOR NAME: Cool undertones, will clash horrendously with yellows, etc."

This is what I get listed on the back of your paint swatches: "PEACEFUL FLUTTERING DOVE TAIL: OC-117"

So. Re-painting the guest bedroom and bathroom is officially on the list of to-do projects-- mostly because my mom is visiting in two weeks. In my mind's eye, I envision a light, bright -and yet warm- paint palette, flowing effortlessly from the 1940s cottage to the modern extension. [For the record: PB has given official stamp of approval of said vision]

We decided on a clean, white bathroom and neutral bedroom. Simple enough, yes? NO.

I spent an hour at Benjamin Moore, staring at a wall of colors. Oh, and don't be fooled: the "Color Preview" colors are almost entirely the "Classic" colors, but with fancier names. This is a fact, relayed to me by Jeremy, an actual employee of Benjamin Moore Paints. Anyway, what did I leave with? No less than 44 swatches of varying shades of white. White. Based on the fact that apparently, many of them are the same but with different names, I may have only picked up 6 different colors. Who knows....

All I do know is that I spent the rest of my afternoon with swatches taped to the bathroom wall. I would stare at the wall. Turn the lights on. Turn the lights off. Open the window blinds. Close the window blinds. Each time expecting one color to jump out at me. I believe in psychotherapy, repeating the same behavior with the expectation of a different result is a symptom of insanity...

And to make the process more enjoyable, the colors I was scrutinizing carried infuriating names like, "Palace White," "Simply White," "Snowfall White," "Glacier White," and "Atrium White." I feel "Simply White" was positively taunting me. Benjamin Moore, do you have a paint color called, "Blood-Splattering-Head-Wound Red"? Because that's what color the walls will be after the anxiety of choosing between 44 whites forces me to take my own life. Honestly.

All I could do was replay the Steel Magnolia pre-wedding scene in my head: "My colors are blush and bashful." "...Your colors are pink and pink."

Yup. Because when I look at "Vapor" and "Steam" taped to the bathroom wall I can't help but think, "White" and "White."