Wee babe.

OK. Survived my first grown-up baby shower. This was a very surreal experience and one which I will only encounter more as I grow older. My friends are now reproducing and I'm not sure how I feel about this. My uterus also feels very confused....all I know is that I get uncomfortably bloated after three beers, so I really don't want an eight pound meatloaf living rent-free for almost a year in my tummy. There! I said it!

Don't get me wrong: loved hanging out with the ladies this afternoon and I am overjoyed for my friend and her growing family. That being said, I was very happy to come home to my two-year-old golden retriever mutt and not a two-year-old babe.

Yes, you can all start sending me e-mails about how I will one day change my mind. I love it when people say that! Plus, I also really like clicking "select all" and then hitting "delete." It's my favorite!

Regresar.

Aaaaand we're back! Day 28 of my freedom, back in Austin and back to blogging. Apparently, internet can be hard to come by in the remote, mountainous regions of northwest Costa Rica...who knew?

Here are a few reflections for today:

• Updating my online portfolio was a tiny bit painful, as I had to revisit the days of only having an Olympus point-n-shoot. That being said, the process was also a powerful reminder that mediocre equipment coupled with a passion for capturing humanity and a good eye, will always out-shoot a lackluster spirit with an expensive, fancy lens. Always.
• Last night, I drank Franzia Sunset Blush wine out of the box, over ice, in a glass emblazoned with the Confederate flag. Not sure when this became my reality, but c'est la vie.
• Traveling for a straight five days and nights in a foreign country, in a tiny 4x4 with unreliable GPS, across a land that does not have street names or numbers, then getting up at 4:00 am for an international flight on a Sunday, is the ultimate test for a relationship. If you can survive it happily (as we did) then hold on tight...you got something good.
• A few Benadryl, an Imperial beer (ah, sweet nostalgia), and the bf's insanely spicy Thai curry will scare away even the worst case of Austin allergies.
• There is something oddly satisfying about spending the past two hours of this Friday evening cleaning the hell out of my house. I feel domestic and proud, goddamit.

Tomorrow: attending my first baby shower as a grown-up for one of my friends that is, well, preggo. Expect an update for sure.

Surf.

Yesterday, my friend said to me, "you can't fight the big waves. Just turn and dive in. Headfirst."

Last night, I went swimming in the Pacific Ocean. No one else around. No lights, but lots of rain. I love feeling the waves break into white surf. You can see it, brilliant at night. I wondered if the water ever gets afraid...tumbling toward the shore, breakneck. Is it afraid of the break? Does it see it coming?

Maybe the wave is afraid. But maybe it's only afraid until it realizes there are only ever waves. That's all there ever was. There will always be waves.

"La vida es como el oleaje, entonces te regala como el mar."

Life is like the surf; so give yourself away like the sea.

Pura vida.

So I'm at the beach, Manuel Antonio. Amazing in every way...there are incredibly strict codes, so from the shore you don't see one single building. The above is an actual photo of this place. I tell you, better than Thailand. There! I said it!

Nothing else to report...not even anything that funny to say. Who needs funny, when you've got beach, baby??!

PURA VIDA.

For the record: tomorrow, kayaking in the Pacific Ocean, maybe trying my hand when the surf's up in the morning :)

H2O.

Day 15 of my freedom and I continue to be a human sponge, here in Central America. A couple things about water in Costa Rica, specifically San Joquin de Flores:

• Unlike Austin water, you can drink it straight from the tap. No Brita necessary! Somehow, their water is truly potable, in the sense that it a) doesn`t stink to high heaven and b) it will not kill you / give you dysentary
  
• There are only hot water taps on kitchen sinks. I`m ok with this, although I am still not used to washing my face in cold water.
• Showers are heated with electricity. I mean quite literally that there is the shower head, with water coming out, and attached to the top is a mechanism with a bunch of wires that heats the water. This seems to violate pretty much every rule we learned in 3rd grade science class about conductors, electricity, and the creation of death, but I guess whatever works....

Speaking of water: tomorrow I´m headed off to the coast for a couple days. I believe the next 48 hours will involve mostly beach, beer and a hacky sack, so I might scratch the bottom of the barrel for posting material. Stay tuned....

Crocs.

Day 13 of my freedom and I thought certainly, I had escaped the most vile of footwear: Crocs. I mean, this is one of those contributions to society where I really just wish the United States would have stopped: up there with Big Macs, Bratz Dolls, and assless chaps. They should all be wiped from the face of the planet, but that´s just my thinking.

Anyway, here I am, thousands of miles from US soil, thinking I was safe. But at spanish school today, I saw some chump sporting a pair of yellow Crocs. I cannot even begin to describe all the reasons why one should never wear these things outside of gardening in the privacy of your own backyard. Ugh. Just so unfortunate looking. I asked where he was from (Alabama)...no surprise there. I´m pretty sure not a single soul outside our great States would be caught dead in Crocs.

I hate to stereotype, but let´s be real...only in America.

Bananas.

Day ten of my freedom and now concluding my first full day in San Joquin de Flores. Still adapting to the spanish keyboard, so please excuse any random characters that pop-up. Per the usual, I am amazed at how much the world has to show me. In that spirit, here`s a short list of lessonsl learned in the past 36 hours:

• Do not forget about the uneaten banana in your bag. Costa Rican immigration will confiscate it and will publicly scold you something fierce. Rogue fruit is not a joking matter. Also, authorities do not appreciate you laughing while being frisked. I mean really, it was an innocent piece of fruit...you´d think I was trying to smuggle in a Colt .45. Sheesh.
• On that note: packing fruit = security breach. However, carrying on a razor, tweezers, nail clippers, liquids not sealed in individual baggies and just about everything else on the forbidden items list?? A-OK!
• Always pack lightly: this makes you seem like a very cool, very adept exotic traveler. My classmates were positively astonished to learn I had only packed one small(ish) carry-on bag for my two week stay. Little do they know I will resemble Encino Man by the end of this week.
• Airlines have managed to do the impossible: make flying more expensive, yet less enjoyable! Por ejemplo: my ticket cost a mere $300...but with a cool $400 in fees/taxes tacked on. Also, no more television/movies (bring books) but good news: you can now pay $6 to watch DirecTV! Fortunately, airline food is still reliably heinous (hey, I take comfort in the familiar). Although my airline no longer offers a vegetarian option. So. There´s that.
• On your first night of a homestay, it´s good to tell your host family one clean, and one dirty joke. My captive audience of three actually laughed...probably at my poor spanish, but still.
• The name ¨Phyllis`` is nearly impossible for anyone, in an country, to properly pronounce or spell. You can now call me `Philips`` because that´s what I´ll be for the next 13 days.
• Similarly, it is also universally entertaining that I am one-half of a Philip - Phyllis couple. This never gets old to anyone.
• The coffee here will make you a believer. Or at the very least, a cranky addict. Seriously though, it´s like drinking straight from the chalice of Heaven. Costa Rican coffee is truly the stuff religions are built on.
• Always, always save your blog draft. Otherwise, you will lose the entire damn thing and be forced to start over after you unsucesfully try to insert a picture of a stupid freakin´banana.

Party time.

Day 5 of my freedom and what's my day look like? It's not yet 2:00 on Friday afternoon and I've successfully occupied every inch of freezer space with Jell-o shots. At some point --as I combined $9 tequila with HEB brand raspberry gelatin dessert-- I thought to myself, "Self, just what the hell has your life come to?"

I had this same thought earlier at the grocery store, when they didn't carry the proper little plastic ramekins for my shots. So what's a girl to do? Yup, I bought 150 plastic 'bathroom cups.' Like the ones at the dentist, when you have to swish and then spit into that stupid little shallow bowl without dribbling all over yourself, which always happens. Always.

Oh yeah, and then I get my Velveeta, Lone Star, mini-corn dogs, 'bathroom cups' and HEB brand gelatin dessert all checked out before I realize I left my wallet in my other purse. So what's a girl to do? Yup, I wrote a check for my groceries.

My party theme for tonight is white trash, but I'm beginning to fear I won't have to try as hard as I thought....

Blocked.

Day 3 of my new freedom and I'm suffering from writer's block in the worst kind of way. Let it be said that I've been exceptionally productive this week, as I have mountains to accomplish before I leave for Costa Rica on Sunday. Because seriously, how much will I really want to write about the Miss America protest of 1968 and its influence on female body image in second-wave feminism of the 1970s, when zip lining and waterfall repelling call my name?

Although I am going to Costa Rica for a grad school course, I don't really want to have to work that hard. Since I'll be missing two weeks of my Austin courses, I have a research paper draft to finish. Now. Just for fun, here's a list of everything I've done today besides write a single word relating to the Miss America protest of 1968 and its influence on female body image in second-wave feminism of the 1970s:

• took my dog for a brief stroll around 50th street and its environs
• went to the library and left with an armload of books (progress, however small)
• met up with J. at Bouldin Creek for coffee and hummus (100% unproductive)
• drove around trying to find parking for Briscoe Center of American History (at least I'm trying)
• wrote submissions for Eating Everywhere and Spectrum Culture (why can't academic writing be so easy?)
• took notes on armload of books (getting warmer)
• stared at blank computer screen for 89 minutes
• had leisurely cup of tea, while cursing blank computer screen (again, 100% unproductive)

So. That's that. Beyond frustrated. At this very moment, I pray that some lightning bolt of genius will strike.

Here's hoping.

Farewell.

Friday, July 2nd. You're finally here! That's right: it's officially my last day in corporate America. We can also call this day any of the following:

• The day which will turn into a night where I drink so much I get sick a little bit, maybe in public



• The day that kills my 5:00 am alarm clock setting



• The day that officially marks my regression back into student life. Ramen Noodles, here I come! <-----ugh. it hurt just to write that



• On that note, this might also be the day that becomes nights where I turn tricks on 14th and Chicon for a Sam's Club gift card and a double Whopper with cheese. <---ugh. let's hope it doesn't get that bad
  

Anyhoosen, in honor of my last day, thought I'd share with you all a few little gems of wisdom I've gathered during my time here. Specifically, my boss likes to say wildly inappropriate/oddly profound things, which we lovingly call "Neil-isms" and are worth putting in writing:

1. "All gay cops have mustaches. But not all cops with mustaches are gay. Seriously. Think about it."

2. "I'm a whore for a chicken nugget."

3. "Oh, that guy? He's the flunky for that beefy girl, right?"

4. A genuine exchange that happened once:

N: "Goddamn, I can't stand that chick. Every time I see her, I just wanna donkey punch her."

Me: "Sir, you can't say donkey punch. Really. It's just completely inappropriate."

N: "What?? The hell I can!"

5. "They're those kinds of people. You know, the ones that like to put queso on eveeerrrrrrything. Everything. Ya know, the fat ones?"

6. "Look. Rich guys can get beautiful women all the time. But every once in a while, it's fun to bang a trashy girl. It's like this: you might eat filet mignon every day, but sometimes, you just really want a hot dog."

7. "OK. How can I strategically fold this receipt to conceal the 11 vodkas I put on the card, before I turn it into accounting?"

8. "What the hell's a FUPA? It sounds gross."

9. "Fuck. Fuuuuuck. Goddamnit. FUCK!"

10. "We really need to stop saying fuck so much around here."

11. "Don't worry, Phyl. You'll be calling me up soon enough. Crying. Begging for your job back. Have you seen the employment reports for people with Master's degrees? Yeah. Go ahead and put me on speed dial."

Welp, about to take a big ol' step into the unknown...funny thing, I kind of like not knowing.

It's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun!

Dear John.

To my dearest Dell desktop-

I hate you. You stink. Tomorrow is my last day at the office and I'm sure you are happy to see me go. Sure, sure...you'll have some other poor girl under your spell soon enough. Chained to you everyday. Victim to your constant demands of "This network is no longer connected. Click here to troubleshoot" and "Your new password does not meet the criteria of: containing at least 6 characters. Must contain at least 3 alpha characters. Must contain at least 2 numeric characters. Must contain 1 cup sugar. Cannot have been used in the last 12 months. Cannot contain person name or network name. Must be written in blood."

I only hope you'll be gentle. Accomodating.

I'm not really sure where we went wrong, you and I. Is it because I [not-so-secretly] love Apple products? Did you find out about the sweet little MacBook I go home to every night? It was nothing personal, I swear! Mac is just so much younger, faster, sleeker. You understand, right?

Things started out so well. You automatically opened Outlook every morning without me asking and sometimes, you even let me go an entire day without having to Ctrl+Alt+Delete Internet Explorer to within an inch of its life. You even put the toilet seat down.

I understand sometimes the mouse didn't always work properly. I know, I know...it's never happened before but I never told anyone; I mean, it happens to everyone. But then you started to make the keyboard malfunction. Usually in conjuction with the mouse. That was a little much. I know you absolutely reveled in making me crawl under my dank little cave of a desk, to reconnect all your useless chords. But I always came back. Bastard.

I tried to make things work. Really. But when you contracted that virus, I'd had enough. Honestly, where had you been?! Were you trying to make a fool of me? Covering my desktop screen in dozens of pop-up adds for "Hot Sexy School Girls Now!" and "Masturbation Station!" You disgust me.

So. I'm done. It's not you, it's me....ok, actually, it is you. You're the one with the issues. But let's face it: I'm going to Costa Rica next week and I don't want to think about you anymore.

I hope you'll be happy and find someone that appreciates you.

Big kiss,

P.