Etiquette.

Friday couldn't get here fast enough. Really. About this time yesterday, I made a mental request of The Weekend to "please get here even sooner than possible, thank you!" Ah-ha! Notice the "please" and "thank you"? Perhaps it's because I've been taking care of someone else's kids for too long and I need to be let out to nanny-pasture, but I seem more aware of a strange and disconcerting absence of these two words in the house where I am employed. I've been trying to trace the source of this problem and have come up empty handed. I say them all the time, as do the parents. I should probably not be surprised in noting that the Little One uses these words far, far more regularly than the Older One (aside: I've decided deeming these two kids Thing One and Thing Two might be seen by some as demeaning, evil, disrespectful, or at least just plain bad so I've modified my language accordingly).

Now, I don't have children of my own (although for the record, I have two large dogs who are shamefully co-dependent on each other and also frightfully rambunctious -which come to think of it- is not much different than kids. After all, one of them puked on the floor yesterday, then was barking all through the night at what must have been a phantom squirrel, only to wake me this morning 45 minutes before my alarm went off. And would you look at that? I just made the longest parenthetical note ever!) but it seems logical that instilling manners is pretty damn important. Like, more so than potty training, folks. I for one, would rather have a kid that says, "P, will you change my pants please? I pooped all inside them" than a kid that says, "Hey. Hey! I pooped my pants. Change me!"

The house I work in follows the models of Attachment Parenting and Unconditional Parenting. I don't know what the hell either of these means, but I try to ride the wave...one thing I'm certain of is that I hear a lot of "don't force manners." OK. Yeah, confession time: back when I had a job that involved an office, one of my favorite things *ever* was reading Miss Manners columns from the Washington Post. Favorite. Ever. So, one might imagine the shudder that runs up my spine when I hear things like that. Now, I do believe it best to model manners (and many other positive behaviors for children, such as not pooping one's pants) but sometimes, kids need a good, swift kick in the proverbial ass. Case in point:

When I was about four or five, I said my first curse word. I had never heard my parents curse, but I was sure as shit modeling Someone. Anyway, I was playing Go Fish with my little sister, and one of my older sisters. Little Sister was about two(ish) so she brazenly stole my cards. I rightly declared her a Bastard. Yes, with a capital B. Older Sister promptly jumped up and scampered off to tattle on me. My mother marched me upstairs and washed out my mouth with soap. This set a precedent for several similar episodes I would suffer before the age of ten. Even so, I like to think I have grown into a well-adjusted adult. Probably because I was forced (there's that word again) to learn the following lessons:

• Even if someone tries to pull a fast one on ya, don't lose your cool. It's just a game.
• Dial tastes better than Lever
• Mom does not practice empty threats
• When Mom and Dad say "don't curse!" they really, really f***ing mean it

The point is, there must be some sort of happy medium. I don't like being bossed around by a four-year-old, but it also feels strange to condition kids as we do pets. As a functioning member of The World all I ask is that parents please remember instilling manners in your rotten, ungrateful children is necessary to teaching them how to be a Member of Society, not the Center of Society.
Thank you.