Farewell.

Friday, July 2nd. You're finally here! That's right: it's officially my last day in corporate America. We can also call this day any of the following:

• The day which will turn into a night where I drink so much I get sick a little bit, maybe in public



• The day that kills my 5:00 am alarm clock setting



• The day that officially marks my regression back into student life. Ramen Noodles, here I come! <-----ugh. it hurt just to write that



• On that note, this might also be the day that becomes nights where I turn tricks on 14th and Chicon for a Sam's Club gift card and a double Whopper with cheese. <---ugh. let's hope it doesn't get that bad
  

Anyhoosen, in honor of my last day, thought I'd share with you all a few little gems of wisdom I've gathered during my time here. Specifically, my boss likes to say wildly inappropriate/oddly profound things, which we lovingly call "Neil-isms" and are worth putting in writing:

1. "All gay cops have mustaches. But not all cops with mustaches are gay. Seriously. Think about it."

2. "I'm a whore for a chicken nugget."

3. "Oh, that guy? He's the flunky for that beefy girl, right?"

4. A genuine exchange that happened once:

N: "Goddamn, I can't stand that chick. Every time I see her, I just wanna donkey punch her."

Me: "Sir, you can't say donkey punch. Really. It's just completely inappropriate."

N: "What?? The hell I can!"

5. "They're those kinds of people. You know, the ones that like to put queso on eveeerrrrrrything. Everything. Ya know, the fat ones?"

6. "Look. Rich guys can get beautiful women all the time. But every once in a while, it's fun to bang a trashy girl. It's like this: you might eat filet mignon every day, but sometimes, you just really want a hot dog."

7. "OK. How can I strategically fold this receipt to conceal the 11 vodkas I put on the card, before I turn it into accounting?"

8. "What the hell's a FUPA? It sounds gross."

9. "Fuck. Fuuuuuck. Goddamnit. FUCK!"

10. "We really need to stop saying fuck so much around here."

11. "Don't worry, Phyl. You'll be calling me up soon enough. Crying. Begging for your job back. Have you seen the employment reports for people with Master's degrees? Yeah. Go ahead and put me on speed dial."

Welp, about to take a big ol' step into the unknown...funny thing, I kind of like not knowing.

It's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun!